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Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! Lorraine is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of hers Franzi. So everyone please put your hands together for Lorraine!
Jerry: Okay, now Lorraine you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
You: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
You: Xani.
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Xani, is actually here tonight -
The crowd SQUEALS.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Lorraine, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... Qui!
You: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere you pull out a Knife. Qui reaches for the chair. Out of the shadows Obi appears.
Obi: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here Qui.
Qui: Because I saw Lorraine and Obi making out at Church!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
Obi: That's a lie! I was home watching Star Trek!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem Qui?
Qui: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Franzi who has recently become engaged to Obi.
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Franzi out here because Lorraine had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... Xani that's right!
Franzi: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards you) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Xani! You know I'm how I feel about Xani!.
Obi: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Xani!
Franzi: Because I knew that I could never have Xani. But Lorraine promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Obi: What about respect for MY feelings!
Qui walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Franzi.
Qui: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
Obi: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
Obi runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly.
Obi: Lorraine take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...
The crowd does its bit.
Obi: Married?
You nod.
Obi: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Xani.
Franzi: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
Xani: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 3 times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Lorraine is married to Xani who Franzi has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Franzi has recently become engaged to Obi who was recently spotted kissing Lorraine in the Church. Now on top of this Qui has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Franzi.
Xani: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! Lorraine is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of hers Franzi. So everyone please put your hands together for Lorraine!
Jerry: Okay, now Lorraine you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
You: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
You: Xani.
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Xani, is actually here tonight -
The crowd SQUEALS.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Lorraine, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... Qui!
You: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere you pull out a Knife. Qui reaches for the chair. Out of the shadows Obi appears.
Obi: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here Qui.
Qui: Because I saw Lorraine and Obi making out at Church!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
Obi: That's a lie! I was home watching Star Trek!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem Qui?
Qui: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Franzi who has recently become engaged to Obi.
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Franzi out here because Lorraine had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... Xani that's right!
Franzi: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards you) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Xani! You know I'm how I feel about Xani!.
Obi: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Xani!
Franzi: Because I knew that I could never have Xani. But Lorraine promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Obi: What about respect for MY feelings!
Qui walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Franzi.
Qui: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
Obi: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
Obi runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly.
Obi: Lorraine take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...
The crowd does its bit.
Obi: Married?
You nod.
Obi: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Xani.
Franzi: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
Xani: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 3 times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Lorraine is married to Xani who Franzi has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Franzi has recently become engaged to Obi who was recently spotted kissing Lorraine in the Church. Now on top of this Qui has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Franzi.
Xani: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.
